Congressman Matt Gaetz, known for his hardline stance on immigration and frequent appearances on Fox News, shocked the world when he arrived in El Salvador demanding entry into the infamous Centro de Confinamiento del Terrorismo (CECOT)—the country's mega-prison filled with tens of thousands of gang members.
His mission? To rescue his long-lost uncle, Earl "Bubba" Gaetz III, a retired Florida RV salesman who was mistakenly deported during an immigration raid and somehow identified as a high-ranking Venezuelan gang leader.
"My Uncle is NOT a Mara Salvatrucha!"
Standing outside the prison gates, flanked by two interns holding laminated copies of the U.S. Constitution, Gaetz passionately addressed the Salvadoran authorities.
"This is a travesty of justice," he declared. "Bubba Gaetz is about as Venezuelan as a Cracker Barrel menu. He doesn't even know where Venezuela is!"
He held up an old photo of Bubba—who bore a striking resemblance to a Guy Fieri stunt double—standing in front of his Florida swamp boat. "Does this look like a Marero to you?" Gaetz yelled.
The Salvadoran guards, unfazed, exchanged looks. One finally shrugged and responded, "Honestly? A little bit."
The Bureaucratic Nightmare
Inside, Gaetz was taken to an administrative office where a weary prison clerk handed him a 400-page file.
"Your tío, Señor Bubba Gaetz, was arrested in Miami during an ICE sweep. He was identified as 'El Gringo Loco,' a dangerous Venezuelan gang leader specializing in counterfeit fireworks and illegal beer pong tournaments," the clerk explained.
"But Bubba doesn't even speak Spanish!" Gaetz protested.
"Yes, which is why he was also charged with 'pretending not to speak Spanish to evade justice,'" the clerk added.
Frustrated, Gaetz demanded to see his uncle in person. The guards reluctantly agreed, leading him down a long corridor filled with tattooed inmates glaring at the Florida congressman as he strutted past in his navy suit and cowboy boots.
The Reunion: "Bubba! It's Me, Matt!"
In a dimly lit cell, Gaetz finally found Bubba—who had adapted surprisingly well to prison life. Wearing an oversized tank top and sporting a fresh MS-13 tattoo (purely for survival, he assured his nephew), Bubba was busy arm-wrestling an inmate known only as "El Diablo."
"Matty Boy! You came!" Bubba exclaimed, throwing his arms around Gaetz.
"Uncle Bubba, we're getting you out of here," Gaetz reassured him.
"Eh, I dunno, kiddo. Food's decent, and I kinda run the bootlegging operation now. Did you know these guys have never even heard of Busch Light?"
Gaetz sighed. "No, Bubba. You are NOT a gang leader! You sell RVs to snowbirds in Tallahassee!"
The Escape Plan
When Salvadoran authorities refused to release Bubba without proof that he wasn't an international fugitive, Gaetz resorted to Plan B: A classic Florida maneuver—bribery.
Armed with nothing but a Get Out of Jail Free card from a Monopoly set and an offer of free Mar-a-Lago golf memberships, Gaetz tried to strike a deal.
Unsurprisingly, the Salvadoran officials laughed him out of the room.
"You can keep your Monopoly money, Señor Gaetz," the warden chuckled. "Maybe next time, try a real offer—like Bitcoin."
The Aftermath
Realizing his rescue mission had failed, Gaetz returned to the U.S. and immediately blamed Joe Biden.
"This is what happens when Democrats let the border crisis get out of control," he ranted on Fox News. "My innocent American uncle is rotting in a foreign prison, labeled a gang member, while REAL criminals get free Uber rides into our country!"
Meanwhile, back in CECOT, Bubba Gaetz was thriving. He had already launched El Bubba's BBQ Emporium in the prison yard, selling smoked iguana ribs and contraband Mountain Dew.
As for his Venezuelan gang charges? Well, his Spanish was improving, and he was considering running for prison mayor.
Maybe Matt should've just let him be.